grey.skies.bright.smiles.

i feel like maybe i am just slipping away

i say things
that nobody hears

or everybody hears
and nobody listens

i mean really listens
really understands

i laughed today
hollow
strange
and it didnt even sound like me
but nobody noticed

i smiled in the mirror
when i got out of the shower
and my face just looked distorted
and i hate that i dont recognize me
but everyone else does

and i wanted to cut
three weeks ago
but i decided not to
because it really didnt matter
not because i thought it was bad for me
or because i wasn’t really hurting—i was—
i just didnt care enough
about the pain
to make it show

and now i dont make sense
but i’m beginning to wonder if i ever did

my eyes dont cry anymore
not like they used to.

now they just leak.

i’m not here
and nobody sees

i’m not there
but nobody knows

i am fading into oblivion
and i feel like the outline
the shadow
the silhouette of maybe someone who was beautiful once
maybe someone who was strong once
maybe someone who was happy
and calm
and joyful
once.

just the glimmer of a girl
who was bright.

once upon a time.

and all i can think
is that maybe true love wasnt intended for me

i was dropped here by mistake
and i am floating by
not affecting anyone
not helping anyone
not hurting anyone

just floating
and existing

until the end.

i feel tired.
tired beyond my years.

i was not a bird.
i was a leaf.

“ I’ve realized two things about people who talk shit about you. Either they’re jealous of what you’re doing or they don’t understand it.

—

(via whatmakesyoubeautiful)

AMEN. :)

(via halfpastmorning)

haha. this is how i felt today when they abandoned me. :P

dear emma.

emmaisaninja:

I know I’m not supposed to be jealous.

Unfortunately, that’s all I’ve been lately.

This isn’t good. This needs to end.
But just realizing this isn’t enough.

I know I’m more than worthless, more than useless.

But that doesn’t mean that’s how I feel.

you ARE more than that. so so SO much more.
you are beautiful and wonderful and elegant and fun and intelligent and bright and radiant and thoughtful and kind and sincere and genuine and loving and colorful and incredible. i love you so so much.

and i feel for you.
i understand.
and i understand that it probably feels different for you than it did for me.
but i can still sympathize.
and i know that its hard.
and that it sucks.
and that its lonely and miserable.

but i am always here.
no matter what. always.

i love you more than anyone in the world. <3
keep your chin up.
and lets do coffee. friday might work best. yes? :)

loveloveloveloveLOVE.

fuck

i dont know how to take a stand without being a bitch.

i dont know how to stop myself from being used and walked on and treated like shit without abandoning all of my ideas on unconditional love and kindness and generosity.

am i a bitch?

i cant give without feeling like i need something back
just a thank you
thats all

i cant be sincere when nobody else is sincere back to me
and that hurts
and i hate it

and its immature
for me to always want respect in return

or is it reality?

i cant tell and i’m upset and i wish the world would just go away

i’m sick of being blamed
sick of being torn
sick of being used
sick of being accused

and yet why am i whining

because thats exactly what i hate about other people

i’m a fucking hypocrite

i get annoyed by people who think their life sucks
i get annoyed by people who complain about petty things
i get annoyed when people judge others without knowing them

and yet for the past 3 months i have continually thought
i have no real friends
people use me just for my homework
people assume that i have bad intentions
and i have muttered under my breath about how annoying one person is
telling people to fucking shut up
giving people the cold shoulder when i’m in a bad mood
wishing everyone would just grow up

maybe its me
maybe i need to grow up
and its a sad sad thought
cause i thought i was better than that

maybe that’s my problem too
i think i’m better than that
i think i’m better period
and somehow that makes it ok for me to call people bitches when they’re annoying or to come home and cry about how all my friends use me for my homework

wtf is my problem

i am petty
but i am trying not to be

isnt that worth something

am not i worth something?

i am blaming all my problems on somebody else
like i am a nice person
i give a lot to a lot of people
i listen to everyone
i try not brag about my own accomplishments
i contribute without being overpowering
and if people would just TRY to understand
and TRY not to copy my homework every class period
and TRY not to avoid my texts
and TRY to call me back
and TRY to enjoy spending time with me
then maybe i wouldnt be feeling so cynical

but maybe the problem is me
like maybe i dont LET people understand me
i LET people copy my homework
i LET people ignore my texts
i LET people avoid my calls
i LET people not enjoy their time with me

and partially i’m trying to be nice
but maybe i’m also stubborn

this is all so cyclical
and confusing
and none of it makes sense

i guess what i’m trying to say is
i want a real friend
who wont take my crap
but wont take advantage of me either.
and i also want to BE that real friend.

idk.
i keep trying to find someone to blame
but its everyones fault
and nobodys.

i am just on the verge of growing up
and i am learning how to be independent and fight my own battles
while still being a friendly kind person
and still keeping up my public image.

haha. its just not fucking worth it anymore.
and idk why i care.

trying to be selfless and strong at the same time
is harder than i thought it would be.

so where do i go from here?
i am just whirling through every day
unsure
unbalanced
uncertain
just chaotically making
wrong decision
after
wrong decision

and i dont want to do it anymore.

i just want to stop.

i just want to be alone
for the rest of my life.

because then i dont have to please anyone but myself
help anyone but myself
and i dont have to worry about that being selfish
because i’m the only one there.

i dont know how to be a good person.

blackout.

“she walks like she don’t care, you wanna take her everywhere… ooh it makes you wanna cry”

iloveBlondie. :D

go insane and out of your mind…. ;)

so i have this experiment of discipline for myself.
i’m shutting off my phone for a week.
and blocking myself from facebook and tumblr.
and this whole week all i’m going to focus on is

getting my schoolwork done
finishing the Berkeley app!
running
sleeping

i don’t want to have to participate in social events
i don’t want to talk to people

i need a vacation
without actually taking a vacation. haha. :)

just a way for me to sort of shut out the rest of the world
and just focus on ME and getting my priorities done.
just shutting off distractions. :)

we’ll see how it works.
i might start doing this more often
if it turns out to be a success. ;)

much love, everyone.
and take care of yourself.

<3

“ I forget the last time I felt brave.

— Owl City

grey.skies.bright.smiles.

so i met someone tonight.

easy access.

feathers.

dear emma.

fuck

blackout.